Dear Santa

At first all I wanted this Christmas was for Newt Grinchwich (typo and it stays) to somehow lose his tongue in a freak accident which would render him speechless and unable to spew any more lies for the rest of his (my) life.  Is that wrong??

But then it hit me that while these nasty debates, snarky commentaries and back-and-forth bickering is driving me insane it sure is nice to see people passionate about their life, future and politics.  Especially when you live in a place that doesn’t have a choice and hasn’t for a very very very long time, if they even ever did.  Let me tell you, it takes all the life and individualism and passion out of a place.  Oh it’s here, but it’s hard to find…and for good reasons.

Santa, for Christmas I want the people to holler, debate, donate, hug your neighbor, love a God (or a dog whichever you prefer), care about the air you breathe and the food you eat, design something…new, stop buying crappy perfume that a cheap celebrity is hawking (I had to throw that in, sorry), and vote. Because you can.

Chateau LaFeet

No, Pepe LaPew is not writing this blog entry.

Imagine my surprise when I read that there are FAKE bottles of Chateau Lafite making their way through Chinese Mainland…Mon Dieu, c’est impossible, a fake in China!   Wine expert, Frankie Zhao, who has worked in the industry for 10 years is claiming that he thinks maybe 70% of the so-called Chateau Lafite Rothschild sold in China is fake.  According to the the real Lafite, China’s quota of Lafite wine from France is no more than 50,000 bottles but one 5-star hotel in Guangdong is claiming they have sold 40,000 alone while Zhejiang Province is said to be consuming 300,000 bottles a year.   Even I can do that math baby.  A small, dark and sad secret part of me is loving it that some newly penned coal-mining millionaire boss with his tar and tea-stained teeth and taste buds that are permanently numbed from years of too much bai jiu can’t tell the difference between a $7,000 of wine and some gnarly fruit jam water from Shandong Province.

Who is signing off on these expense reports?!!!

And in completely different and yet still fake news….is it me or has Vladimir Putin had a little mini face-lift???  Some fat replacement maybe?  His face is definitely fuller and tighter, something I’ve been wanting for myself for some time.  Don’t be surprised if I take a badly needed vacation to…Siberia.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Trypto (not a) phan

Thanksgiving was 5 days ago and I’ve still got the sleepies, I’m a sluggish mess.   It was a fun party though, we celebrated this grand American holiday with 2 Americans, 5 Australians, 1 Greek and an Italian.  The Greek made a carrot cake which will be attached to my thighs for the rest of my life. Damn him and his evil baking skills.

I could also be tired because my friend Jeannie was here visiting and we basically left no stone unturned, or better, spit pile.  We even went up the Pearl Tower where you can walk out onto a glass floor high up in the air while the strong winds make you feel like you’re going to be sucked out, plunging hundreds of feet to your death.  But the best part was the elevator ride down.  You basically wait in this large area with no queue and then when the elevator arrives about 95 Chinese people come pushing behind you until your face is smashed up against the side of the elevator wall where if I could have moved my head slightly I would have been able to read the sign that says “Maximum Capacity 12″.  Jeannie was even lucky enough to get felt up by a very large German tourist, so it was all worth it really.  We rode around town on the Scooteretta (where Jeannie recited 3 Hail Mary’s en Espanol), paid a visit to Amy at Bell bar, lost Bernie AGAIN in Moganshan as he chased a chicken down the mountain, walked Yu Gardens, Bund, Shanghai Museum, M50, went to scout out elderly men walking around in the winter Jammies, but most importantly downed some cocktails at El Coctel and then watched the Vietnamese band at Luna singing everything from Hotel California to Hell’s Bells.  Normal stuff.

It was a great time Jeannie!!

Yao za!

Yao Ming on the plane.  Please note that everyone else’s head fits nicely against the headrest.

Yakkity Yak

I brought some “Yak Jerky” back from Lijiang, spicy and regular, and I have to say it’s pretty amazing.  Listen, I’m no expert mind you.  The only beef jerky I ever remember eating was on the way to Las Vegas at the Barstow Station, it was next to that big jar of whole pickled eggs (I almost threw up typing that).   You already know when you’re on your way to Vegas that all bets are off (pun intended), anything goes and everything you previously thought rational is out the window…so you start the weekend off with beef jerky followed by a burger and fries to protect you from the 5 margarita’s you’ll be downing at Whiskey Pete’s because you can’t make the extra 30 miles to Vegas proper without a cocktail.

Side note.  A million years ago I was celebrating New Year’s with a girlfriend and we were at Caesar’s Palace in their fancy pants restaurant spending our last dime on a very expensive meal.  After the stroke of midnight, just before we were heading out, a man stopped at our table who looked very “Bond, James Bond” and threw a $1,000 chip on our table and said in a cool, deep voice, “have a nice New Year’s ladies”.   Acting like we’d been pushing those things around on the roulette tables all night like a Shanghai gangster from the 1920′s, we simply said “thanks”.   I think you can still see the burn marks our heels made in the carpet on the way to the cashier’s counter.

Back to the yak jerky.  I ate like 5 pieces of the spicy jerky and if I can be honest, it feels like I have 35 terracotta warrior’s fighting for Peking Province inside my abdomen.  When will I learn??  This is CHINA!  Home to bleached filled tofu, paraffin rice, melanine milk, battery-operated vegetables (don’t ask)…I want all of you to get on your knees and say a prayer to the good ol’ USDA.

Leaving Lijiang

“Heaven on Earth”, as my mother would say.   We just got back from glorious Lijiang, in the Yunnan Province, home to Jade Dragon Snow Mountain and the spicy dishes.  As I’ve mentioned in the past, it’s so interesting to me how you can come across so many similarities in cultures vastly different.  In this area of Yunnan Province live the Naxi people, a Matriarchal society.  By dress, facial features and other cultural items, they could be Mayan, Peruvian, American Indian, it’s just so interesting these similarities are.  Of course I fell instantly for them because of their love for the dog.

There are two old towns, one Lijiang Old town and Shuhe old town.  Both are for the most part carless inside, filled with beautiful old structures containing shops, restaurants and bars and have canals running through them with the most beautiful and clear water ever seen.  This water coming from the glacier atop Jade Dragon Snow Mountain, a majestic site on any day.    At night the town of Shuhe was filled with music of all kinds.  It was just a magical experience.  I’ll let the pictures say the rest.

Taking the cable car up to Yak Meadow

Yak Meadow, very very very high up

A Buddhist offering

Good advice

The "Impression Lijiang" show...AMAZING!

Jade Dragon Snow Mountain in the background

Dinner at the Banyan Tree Lijiang

View of Jade Dragon Snow Mountain

Dogs of Yunnan

And you thought China was weird

Just like any morning here in Shanghai, I get up, let the dogs out, feed them then open my computer while Ken makes me a cappuccino with varying foam shapes.   Until I’ve had enough caffeine running through my veins, comprehension of any kind should not be expected.

So you can imagine my surprise and utter disbelief when I open the news story on my Google page about the man who kept all the exotic animals, let’s them all loose and then shoots himself.   As Jenny would say, “whaaaaaaaaaAAAAAt?!!!  I was like, what in Sichuan Province hell is going on here?!  And then some caffeine kicked in and I went back to the part about the man shooting himself and realized this wasn’t a Chinese story at all because Chinese people don’t have guns.  I know it’s hard for you to believe but when Chinese people want to kill someone they do it the old-fashioned way, they stab them with a knife.  And besides, they can’t very well carry a semi-automatic on the back of their bicycle, well, there are some parts of the US where they managed to do that, but back to the this story.  What in Ohio State hell is going on over there?!  This wasn’t an “animal preserve” this was a wacko with a farm (did you see his picture?  they always look like that, right??) who collected exotic animals then caged, starved and mistreated them.  Why do we allow the sale of these precious animals??  How many babies have to die from the strangle of a 15 ft. long Python?  Can’t we just leave the exotic animals alone in their natural habitats???    And then to top off their life of abuse the Ohio Police just gun them down, well except for the ones still lurking in the neighborhood, good luck with that.   Geezuz people.

A Happier Animal Picture

RAM

Rockbund Art Museum.

The newest installation to open at RAM is the amusing, thought-provoking and itchy work of artist, Zhang Huan titled, Q Confucius.  Here the artist uses Confucius, “a symbol representative of Eastern and moral and political thinking”, to question how we coexist in harmony with fellow humans and nature in this age of technological development and rapidly evolving social interaction.

The work is installed among 4 floors of the beautiful and old architecture of RAM each offering a different use of material and craft…and it’s “itchy” because it also includes live monkeys and termites (sometimes I wish they’d just leave the animals out of it, you know?).

This exhibition will be on from now until January 29, 2012.  For more info visit RAM

These photos do not do this exhibition justice at all, I never said I was a good photographer, well maybe I did once.

This bigger than life Confucius (pun intended) was stunningly large and detailed, including beating heart.  The top of a person’s head may only reach the tip of his nose.

This work consists of an historical photograph and incense ash

This piece has motion-censored robotics which move the figure around most interestingly and is surrounded by a two-story cage to hold the monkeys

Wo de Hun Li

My wedding that is.  I’m not going to get full on into it, you had to be there, but if you can imagine large orange and white lanterns, tempura, the pouring out of one’s soul, insane amounts of Pinot Noir, California desert mountains, orchids/bamboo/citrus trees, humans shaking their booties to the Isley Brothers, lamb shanks galore, tears, laughter, a little puking (not me), one broken tibia bone (again, not me) and sweat dripping off the body of every single person in attendance then there you have our wedding in a nutshell.  Oh, I forgot to mention the bobblehead cake topper which we had made in our likeness…that fell off our cake mid-toast.

Ken’s assistant, May, and her husband had this made for us as a wedding gift.  It’s paper-cutting art and frankly, something I hadn’t seen done since the early 70′s.  It puts a huge smile on my face everytime I look at it.

This is the picture they made it from…not bad, right?  

 Ahhhh, the California desert